ORIGINAL TRANSMISSION / 01
🔥 GREG:
THE ENGINEERING
LEADER YOU NEED 🔥
Scientists said it couldn’t be done. Greg did it anyway, then asked why they were so stressed.
WHAT IS GREG?
Greg is not a hire.
Greg is an event.
Greg doesn’t join your team. Your team joins Greg. The org chart updates itself out of respect.
THE CLAIMS / FIVE ANOMALIES
CLINICALLY
PROVEN
RESULTS*
- 01
Servers reportedly calm down when he enters the building (remotely, he’s just a presence)
- 02
Production outages apologize to him personally
- 03
Legacy code confesses everything within 4 minutes
- 04
Your Terraform state file will simply not lock. It would not dare.
- 05
Pull requests approve themselves out of respect
*by a study Greg conducted on himself
SOCIAL PROOF, MORE OR LESS
WHAT PEOPLE
ARE SAYING
“I met Greg once and my cloud bill dropped. I don’t know why. I’m afraid to ask.”
— A CFO, visibly shaken
“We tried to deploy on a Friday. Greg looked at us. We did not deploy on Friday.”
— An entire DevOps team, now healed
“The pager has not rung since he arrived. We checked. The pager is scared.”
— An on-call rotation that no longer exists
STANDARD EQUIPMENT / GREG-01
FEATURES
ENGINEERING LEADER / FULLY OPERATIONAL
- 01 / DRIVE
Turbocharged by spite for unnecessary complexity
- 02 / FUEL
Runs on coffee and a clear conscience
- 03 / RECOVERY
Self-healing (needs weekends, will not be explained)
- 04 / COMPATIBILITY
Compatible with all known clouds and several unknown ones
- 05 / FILTER
Comes with a built-in BS detector (factory calibrated, cannot be disabled)
SAFETY INFORMATION / OPERATOR BOUNDARIES
DO NOT
SUMMON
AT 3AM.
BOUNDARIES ARE A FEATURE.
01 / NO WHITEBOARD THEATERDo not ask Greg to reverse a binary tree on a whiteboard.
02 / NO PERFORMANCE VIDEODo not ask Greg to record a video of himself nervously gesturing at a screen.
CONSEQUENCEDoing so voids the warranty, the relationship, and possibly the space-time continuum.
ACT NOW
ONE GREG.
ZERO REGRETS.
INFINITE UPTIME.
Greg is available Monday through Friday, 9 to 5. Outside of those hours, Greg is a mystery. A legend. A guy at home, doing exactly what he wants.
Terms and conditions apply. The terms and conditions are the boundaries. They are non-negotiable and also awesome.
#DevOps #PlatformEngineering #EngineeringLeadership #RemoteWork #WorkLifeBalance